lucky me

the other night:
a fellowship of four
at the lotus
(is it still called that? is it called something newer and trendier?)

i stood grinning stupid
and the sexy friend approached
and giggled.

what are you so happy about?
she shouted,
her subtle smile elevated to blaze
in this tooloud room.

she needed to ask!
i gasped:
look at you.

we watched together the other two -
thrusting, laughing, twisting, churning,
giggling,
being,
on the dance floor.

isn't it beautiful? i rhetoricalized.
she nodded happily.

glide.
glide.
glide for a moment
on the sigh of the music
and the now
and the yes.

so much yes.
too much.
such great glorious yes yes

i geekily giddily overexplained:

i could never watch this long,
never take in
every
gorgeous
gyration
if i was other.

but being me, i can stand here,
grinning, staring,
taking you all in -

and you let me!
you invite me!

right now
right here:
i'm the luckiest grrrl in the world.

she cannot argue.

she watches
sighs
smiles at me happily.

and slides back into the stage of my creation.

sherendipitous shuffle

when i hit shuffle, iTunes immediately launches into "i dreamed a dream," Fantine's hard luck song from Les Miserables. i already know i'm in for it.

the next song is "black is the colour of my true love's hair" (Nina Simone). it's followed by "sweet dreams" by Patsy Cline.

my gut is throbbing and my shoulders are sagging. i'm still unable to go a single day without some intense thought about him. anger, sorrow, pity, confusion...
and i'm thinking.
and thinking.
and grinding.
and churning.

and then i hear the choir ushering in "you can't always get what you want" by the Rolling Stones.

i can't help but laugh.
i laugh at iTunes and i laugh at me and i laugh at him and i laugh at the world. i laugh it all off and thrust my hips around the apartment.

the shuffle demon rewards me by playing "bus to beelzebub" by Soul Coughing. i laugh some more and jump jump jump, flailing my hair and arms around. the KLF confirm that the mood is broken: it's going to be a good day.

life really is quite amusing and wonderful.
despite itself...